been feeling really defeated lately.

I keep wanting to start over but I can't seem to do that.
Don't know what to do anymore.


Once again:
Going to try taking a personal retreat & resetting life this summer.
Excuse me if I disappear.

i will soar with you above the storm.

A wise woman told me earlier tonight that brokenness is a good thing, as it allows us to see how in need of God we are.

Feeling isolated or abandoned by the world should be seen as a step in the refining process. Therefore, I will attempt to be like Paul and count my blessings in the [slow] walk on a narrow, crooked, and painful road.


Already a bonus: Were I not going through this thorny experience, I would not be as conscious of these lessons. That's a start.

actual necessity: new macbook.

So, many of you know that my Macbook is old. Actually, it's the oldest model of the Macbook. I'm not sure you can even purchase this anymore. Many of you also know that my laptop gives me a lot of grief. What would normally take someone 2 hours to write a process recording or 6 hours to write a paper is actually doubled because my laptop just sucks that much. Don't even ask how long it takes to do something simple like making a blog post.

I've been saying for the last year or so that I need a new laptop because this one is dying on me.

Well, folks, today was the straw. In my great anger against my current laptop, I have vowed tonight (after a frustrating day) to get a new laptop. What was holding me back before was that I am broke. Yes, we're all broke, I know...but I am really broke. But like I said, I am irate at this point.

Therefore, I will angrily and stubbornly fast one meal a day, not for religious purposes, but for monetary accruement in order to purchase this very much needed computer. I normally hate spending unnecessarily, but I have definitely reached the point where a new laptop is not just a "want" anymore but an actual "need." I have wasted too many hours (probably added up to be days or weeks) staring at a rainbow spinner or restarting my computer.

Oh yeah, and I'm throwing alcohol into the mix. Not because I drink all that much but because I tend to pay for people/take people out a lot.


So hopefully in a few weeks I'll have saved up enough for a new, functioning laptop.

And yes, I will become a lot more frugal and stingy. Deal with it :)

The 3:18 Movement.

The 3:18 Project is finally starting.

http://the318movement.org

Check it out! :)

resolution #4.

I'm going to be honest. I judge. Hard.
But this resolution isn't about not judging.

When I look at certain girls I think, "How does she do that with such a nonchalance?" or "God, I never want to be like that." (I know, I'm so mean...)

I'm genuinely baffled at their apathy towards their conscience and their self-declared morals.

And then I realize that I am already them. The twisting sensation that I get in my stomach is insanely painful, believe me. Even as I write this. Thanks to some early years of DC Talk, I've always been a huge hater of hypocrisy and here I am, practicing it in multiple ways.

So, resolution #4:
Stop being a hypocrite/being anything remotely like those unnamed girls.

They've inspired me so strongly to change my ways. Amazing.

still young.

I certainly don't know everything, but I'm still pretty young.

I have officially entered into my 23rd year of existance, having completed twenty-two about 40 hours ago. I don't know how I feel about it yet.

*   *   *   *   *

From about the age of 5 until about 15, everyone thought that I was going to become writer one day. Can you believe that? I used to be a writer. Not that you can tell from this awful blog site, but I used to be good at writing. Then everyone thought that I was going to become a photographer or an artist of some sort, so I pushed aside the idea of becoming a writer and let my talent and skills crumble.

I feel like I should return to writing. It would be a good exercise for me in expressing myself with words (which I am very bad at) and being concise too (which I am even worse at). I just need someone to keep me accountable.

So, Resolution #3:
Write more.

resolution #2.

become better-spoken.

resolution #1.

Mend relationships.